March 31, 2010

I had a long, long day at work. My recent project assignment had more political issues than I anticipated. Though, I was happy to take on additional responsibilities in my current position, I was also apprehensive and careful so as not to burn any bridges while I am at it.
Wednesday just didn’t seem to end. I was mentally exhausted. At one point I thought I'll give the volunteer visit a pass because I just wanted to go home, hide under my blanket and relax. But, then I realized that this is one of the few times of the week when I just unwind. I don't have to watch my words or worry about being politically correct or make sure that I maintain a good relation.
I tried to go early this time so I could catch my patients while they are having dinner. I saw Ms. Lovely Smile sitting on a table. As I approached her, she seemed to be confused to who I am. I didn’t get the customary smile from her. It appeared as if she was thinking about something. When she saw me, she acknowledged my presence and started mumbling about something. It seemed as if she was speaking out whatever she was thinking in her mind. It was more like a one-sided conversation where she was narrating some incidents and I was merely nodding to show acknowledgement. I offered to feed her the dinner. There was chicken, rice, carrots and beans. She did make a few comments about the food. All I remember is that she said that she likes the greens and kept pointing to the beans. All the time I was helping her eat the dinner, she was talking continuously. I zoned out and I was mechanically performing the task of feeding her while observing her expressions and body language very closely. At one point, she started to fold-in in my T shirt under my sweater around the wrist area so that it does not look shabby. I was moved by that gesture. She suddenly took the role of a ‘grandmother’. It felt like I’ve known her for quite a while now. Occasionally, I would try to understand what she was talking about. She mentioned that she was born around the time of the Great Depression. The Easter decorations on the surrounding tables reminder her of the Christmas/Holiday shopping and she started recounting some of the experiences. Since her speech was muffled, I had a really hard time understanding her. But, she was looking so adorable with her eyes so expressive. At one point she kept staring at me, and commented that my eyes look beautiful. The compliment seemed so genuine that it touched my heart. All this time, I was looking at her and admiring how wonderful a person she must have been and she still is. And how lucky are the people around her to have her. So loving and so caring.

After spending a considerable amount of time with Ms. Lovely Smile, I proceeded (with a lot of apprehension) to the other new patient, who was hostile to me last time. She was already done with her dinner and sitting in the living room watching TV. She saw me walking towards her and she extended her hand to reach out to me. I got a huge smile and it seemed like she recognized me. She appears to be more responsive and alert of surroundings than the other patients that I have been assigned till now. Our interaction was rather interesting this time. She was the one doing the most talking. She kept asking where I got my glasses from. At one point, she also asked where I got my eyebrows from. So on and so forth. She asked me to take her out anywhere, she just wanted to go out of that place or go for a drive. It just broke my heart that I couldn’t do anything about it. It seems like she is aware that she is in a hospice but she probably hasn’t come to terms with it and still wants to get out of it. I had to dodge her question a little bit, but I was happy that at least we got off to a good start.

March 24, 2010

I was in a hurry today to reach the hospice because I had to be at home before 6 pm. I wasn't able to reach early enough. My mind was scattered.
I entered the hospice and that familiar smell filled up my nose. I was looking around for Ms. Lovely Smile and was happy to see that she had dessert left to finish. I like to feed her while we talk because it seems like she is more conversational during that time. The moment I approached her, she just started talking. I had to stop her in between to get a chair so I can sit next to her. She just kept talking and talking and talking. She just wouldn't stop. The only time she would stop speaking would be the time I had to feed her the dessert.
Her speech was a bit muffled, so I had difficulty understanding what she was saying. All I remember is that she was talking about some twins and how they look the same. She also started talking about doing the same things, same way, same time every day. But it all seemed to be disconnected and incomprehensible. She started to talking to me as if I am a relative/family friend, occasionally referring to my mother. Of course, there were the occasional smiles in between.
It was a happy change to see in her. The past few visits had been very quiet. The ultimate shocker to me was the wink she gave me as I was leaving. There was a sort of mischievousness in her eyes, like that in a kid. It was a refreshing change to see in her!!!
I had to visit a new patient today. I observed her for a while before approaching her. Her body language seemed to be very negative. It seemed like she was worried/anxious about something. There was a sort of tension surrounding the air. I went up to her and introduced myself. I tried to engage in a conversation, but did not receive any response. She kept giving me mean stares and at one point even tried to push me away. I decided not to impose myself and let her be. Hopefully, by the next visit, she will allow me to be a little more friendly.

March 17, 2010

Writing after a long time. Feeling a little rusty, so bear with it!
It was very difficult in the past few weeks to take out time for the hospice work. The timing was just not matching.
After Mr. Polite passed away, there were very few people I had to go and spend time. Some days, I would just sit and chat with Ms. Lovely Smile. Others were not as responsive to conversations. Last week, I was introduced to another hospice patient. I call her Ms. Talkative. She loves to talk. She is not as unaware of her surroundings as other patients. But, she is absolutely adorable. You can just sit and listen to her and not help get amused!
The first 2 meetings were rather interesting. She taught me how to drink Cranberry Juice from a glass, how to eat a sandwich, how to fold a napkin and more. When we asked her about one of her ‘younger’ guy friend, oh! she was just filled with praises and excitement. It seemed like I was talking to a boy-crazy teenager (in all due respect). The common theme underneath all these conversations was the zest for life! You hear all about it but I got to see it live! She must have been a fun loving, lively, cheerful, chatty lady with a streak of mischievousness in her. I admire how she has still retained all those qualities despite the pain of old age. She does complain a lot, but don’t we all!
After meeting Ms. Talkative, I went to meet Ms. Lovely Smile. I arrived late this time so she had already finished her dinner. Whenever I have met her, it has always been over dinner. This time she seemed a little tired. She was not initiating conversations (like last few times), she was not responding to most of my conversation. She just seemed really tired. It was a little disappointing to see her like that.

That spot was empty....

This was bound to happen one day, I knew it. But, I didn't know it will happen so soon. Mr. Polite passed away early this week. The hospice coordinator called me early this week to share the news. At that time, the news did not sink in. Besides, I was occupied with a lot of work to actually think about it. That evening when I was driving back home, his images kept flashing in front of my eyes. He was so polite, so courteous. He was a charmer, even at this age. Even though we did not spend a lot of time together, but I did get to know him a little bit. Its sad that he had to leave, but I'm sure he is in a better place. God bless his soul.

I made my usual visit to the hospice. I was bummed out after hearing Mr. Polite's news, so I was not in the best of my moods. My spirits were low. My routine would be to say Hi to Mr. Polite first, sit and chat with him before meeting others. He used to have a specific place where he would have dinner every night. But, this time, there was no one there. That spot was empty. I moved on.

I was looking Miss Lovely Smile. I was told that she was in her room. Like last time, I decided to go see her in her room. She was sitting on her wheelchair with her back towards the door. I went up to say Hi to her, but the response was not as enthusiastic as last time. She was going to start eating her dinner so I offered to serve. She seemed to be very tired. I was trying to talk to her, but she would give me a blank look. Sometimes she would give a huge smile, other times she would get lost in her thoughts. She seemed to be confused. It could be the effect of the medications. So, after every few minutes, I would try to strike a conversation with her, but all futile.
My expectations from her had risen after the positive responses from her the last few times. Even if her behavior was normal this time, it was a let down for me because I'm used to seeing a cheerful lady with a smile on her face. Nevertheless, I stayed with her for some time trying to keep up a conversation. When I left, I wasn't very happy with the day.
I got back home and got a chance to ponder over stuff. I recalled that all this while I knew the patients are in their final years/months/weeks of their lives. Death is a natural phenomenon. We can't fight it and we have no option other than to accept it and move on. The least I can do it make these last few moments enjoyable.

A lesson to learn here is that all of us will die, some sooner than later. What is important is to live each day. Do something good every day/week/month/year that makes your life worth living. Its karma. Be open in your views. Learn from people around you, learn from their experiences, learn from failure and from success. When your time comes, you will look back and wonder if you did what you wanted to do. At that time, you want to answer a big 'YES'.

Just another visit.. but a tad different

Every time I go to the hospice, I think to myself what new is this one hour going to bring me today. I must say that I'm surprised every time.

This Wednesday was a bit of a rush for me. I got tied up at work, so I practically rushed my way to the hospice. I had to take care of some errands in the evening, so I did not have much time to spend at the hospice today. I entered the doors thinking what's going to be new today. I was surprised to see that Mr. Polite was not on his usual table having dinner. I asked around and found out that he had to be transferred to another hospice temporarily. I was looking around for Ms. Lovely Smile and found out that she is in her room. I decided to go check on her and spend some time. I enter her room and he is lying on her bed listening to the radio. She saw me and greeted me with a huge smile, like always. This time she took the initiative to ask me how I was. It did seem like she recognized me and was looking forward to my visit. I asked her a couple of questions and she seemed to be responding very well. Not even once did it seem justified for her to be at a hospice. She and I were having a very lively conversation. She was sharing with me how she feels that her memory is becoming poor. Instead of making it a sad piece of conversation, I joked with her that I feel I'm losing memory too (it is true, in a way!) and we laughed it away. I must say that its a delight to see her laugh heartily! She even said that I was funny! (No one has called me funny!!!). A lot of times she shushh'd me to listen closely to the song and remember the song and the singer. I must say that I was quite impressed. We kept talking for a while and she repeated that she is losing memory. I thought I'll ask her if she remembers my name (just for fun sake). As far as I remember, I told her my name the first day we were introduced. Did not even mention it after that. She did not pronounce my name correct, but she was pretty darn close! I was absolutely amazed! And she seemed pretty happy that she got it right, almost.
She complemented me that I look very pretty. I blushed a little and then I told her that I think she was a beautiful smile. She didn't believe me and said that I was lying. I immediately took a photo of her and showed it on my phone so she could see it herself. She looked at her picture and blushed!
I was having a very pleasant conversation with her. Sadly, I had to leave early to take care of certain chores. But, today was a very, very pleasant evening conversation with her. I could see that she didn't want me to leave. But, I had to.


Life runs a full circle. Old-age brings you back to childhood, in a certain way. At this age, they need complete support from their children, who they painstakingly raised to adulthood, to take care of them and be by their side. It aches my heart to see them being taken for granted. I, myself, have taken a while to understand and realize their importance in my lives. All they need is love and affection from their loved ones. The least we can do is be there when they need us. This volunteer position makes me appreciate my folks even more each day. I hope I grow up to support them in every way I can and be by their side, always.

Jan 27 and Feb 3 2010

This entry reflects my previous 2 visits to the hospice and interaction with the patients. The hospice visit has now become a part of my routine. Every week, I look forward to the coming Wednesday on what new learning will it bring to me. The past 2 visits went by pretty normal. I went up with Mr. Polite and had a lovely conversation with him. Every week, without fail, he does not forget to compliment me. There is a new adjective every week… from beautiful, pretty, wonderful and now radiant. I wonder what he is going to say next week. The past 2 visits have been very conversational with him. Initially, a couple of times I have had to struggle with stuff to talk about. But, the past 2 times, he has been very conversational. It is good in a way that he is become more and more responsive. What disturbs me is that he has no sense of his current situation. He, probably, recollects his past memories and starts re-living them. For instance, yesterday he was talking about how he and his wife decided not to sell their house and how he enjoyed playing tennis with his buddy that he met after a long, long time. He was imagining that he was sitting in a restaurant in LA and having dinner with his buddy. He then asked me how my day went and whether I was able to find a new tennis group. He probably thinks I’m one of his old tennis friends. At this point, I was in an ethical dilemma whether to tell him the truth or play along with him. It would break my heart to tell him that he is a patient and he is at a hospice, not a restaurant. I decided to just play along with his imaginative stories. I’m pretty confident that in his young days he must have been a real charmer!

I was sad to hear that Miss Beautiful Eyes had to be moved to another hospice for better care. I really started seeing some positive response from her. There was something about her, about her eyes that made me want to know more and keep talking to her. I don’t know if I’ll be able to continue to see her, but I hope she does well.

Meanwhile, Miss Lovely Smile has been surprising me every time. I am getting used to seeing such positive response from her. I didn’t get to see her last week since he was bed-ridden. Yesterday, I went up to her while she was having dinner. I try to keep it cheerful with her to see her response. She gave me a huge smile and it radiated to her eyes. That alone was enough for me! I sat down next to her trying to have a conversation. She was more response than last time, though I still had to try hard to hear her talk. To my surprise, not only was she keeping up with the conversation, she was also engaging in one herself. One of other patients at the table was shouting and making faces at attract attention. Instant, we looked at each other and shared a smirk! ;) That was wonderful! I could see that she must have been a fun-loving person, that attribute still exists within her. I then helped her finish the dinner and I made sure I was asking questions and seeking response from her. It is very encouraging to see such a positive response from her.

Before I started volunteering at this hospice, I warned how emotionally exhaustive this can be, especially when the patients you visit are not showing a positive response. I must say that I was both nervous and apprehensive on what kind of response I will receive. But, I’m lucky to be getting such positive responses from the patients that I am visiting. It hurts to see these patients at the end of their life. Most of them have lived on to gain wonderful experiences and parts of their personalities are still reflected in certain aspects of their behavior. I feel rewarded to be able to interact with them and glean on their experiences.

That smile.... made my day!!!

I was really tired today to go for a visit. It seems like a long, long time that I last visited them. For some reason, I wasn't feeling up to it. But, I still decided to go.
As usual, it was dinner time. I waited till they finished up most of the dinner, otherwise its uncomfortable to talk while eating. I just sat in the hall for about 10 minutes, observing everyone around. I saw a particular patient who sitting on the table all alone. The patient was mumbling something and had a pen and paper on the table. She kept talking (though no one was next to him/her) and started jotting down something on the paper. I was tempted to have a look at what was written, but I felt it would be rude and I would be intruding her privacy. I restrained myself, but was keeping an eye on her.
After a while, I went to take my usual rounds with my buddies. I went up to my cheerful buddy, Mr. Polite, who was finishing up dinner. We had a conversation, but this time it seemed like I had to take a lot of initiative to talk. It didn't seem like he was in a very happy mood, unlike last time. But, he was still at his polite behavior. He did not forget to mention how beautiful I was looking and also to say Thank You to the fine lady who picked up his dinner plates.
Anyway, I proceeded to the other patient Miss Lovely Smile, who was very responsive to me last time. I was looking forward to meeting her today and curious to see the response I get this time. Frankly, I set my expectations low as I thought it was a momentary reaction. Boy! I was wonderfully surprised. Not only did she remember me, she gave me a huge smile!!! And, I knew that smile was genuine because her face lit up, I could see the happiness in her eyes. For a moment, I thought my serotonin levels went up ( I was soooo happy to see that reaction). I could see in her eyes, that she recognized me. She started to have a conversation, but I was still finding it difficult to understand. I pulled a chair to sit next to her and was talking to her. Surprisingly, she was responding very well. I complemented her multiple times and saw the smile return on her face. It felt great.
After these few moments of happiness, I decided to go, meet my third buddy, Miss Beautiful Eyes! She had been responding quite well the first few times. But, she failed to recognize me the last time I visited her. I thought I will try again this time but she was too engrossed in her food to respond to me. I tried again later but no success. I was bummed.

Another day... another visit. I am curious to see what happens next week.

Did I make a difference? Jan 07, 2010

The patients I am visiting are elderly. Most of them are suffering from dementia, amongst other illnesses. Some of them need wheelchair assistance to walk. Most of them are not articulate, but they think they are. Some of them have family visiting them every now and then, others don't see a familiar soul for weeks altogether. So, when a stranger comes by and spends time with them, talk to them, listen to them; they love it. Verbal communication is not the only form of communication. Some of them love it when you just sit next them, hold their hand. They appreciate compassionate behavior and are responsive to it. They might not recognize me every week or be able to have a conversation with me, but they do feel my presence. They do respond to me, most of the times in non-verbal ways.

I have already made 3 visits to the hospice... I try to visit once every week. The first 2 went by without any significant event. I went there, chatted with my assigned patients and left. It was casual, very very casual.

There is one patient who is very, very responsive to volunteers. I always have a great conversation with him (Mr. Polite), who seems to be doing better. One other patient I typically visit had not been very responsive to me. I would go meet her (Miss Lovely smile) every time, but hardly got any response. I was told that she speaks incoherently and has difficulty responding. But this past meeting was different. I went up to her, just like any other time, to say hello. She had dinner on the table but was not eating it (which is always the case whenever I've seen). When someone came to take the food away, she signaled to stop them. She mumbled something that I couldn't understand. I asked again and this time it was a little louder so I could understand. She said that he/she is afraid of killing someone. I tried to comfort the fear and was holding her right hand. Just then, she brought her left hand to get a firm grip on my hand. I thought that was amazing. Not only was she being more responsive, but was also proactive in approaching to hold my hand. She started mumbling again, but I couldn't understand. It seemed that she was sad and just wanted someone to sit and listen to her. At one point, I thought I saw her eyes getting wet too. I just sat there, holding her hand and letting her keep a tight grip on mine. I asked if she wanted me to help eat dinner. She didn't respond, but I still thought I will try. Surprisingly, she allowed me to feed dinner (and this has never happened before!). When she had enough food, she was responsive enough to signal me to switch to dessert/water. I was really happy to see a good response. After dinner, it felt she just wanted me to hold her hand and sit right beside her. I tried to test it by releasing the grip on my hand to see if she tries to hold it back again. And she did, she wanted me to stay! I stayed with her for a while and then left.

I'm not sure if this response was just one time, or she will continue to respond well or not. But, I saw it was a positive sign.

Finally found... "The ONE"

After I started working, I had been looking for avenues that could use volunteer help. I did not have anything specific in mind, but I wanted it to have an impact. I am inclined towards helping children or the elderly, the ones that need our help the most.

I initially found an organization that provides an after school program to help bring certain kids, that are slow in learning, on par with others... I was very excited because I was making a change at the grassroot level. I was also very nervous since I had no experience of dealing with children in the 'learning' process. Due to scheduling issues, it did not work out. I was bummed just the way I would be when I would not be able to convert an interview to a job.

I restarted the process of looking for volunteer positions. It was by chance that I came across a hospice looking for volunteers. At that time, I knew it had something to do with the elderly. That was enough for me. I contacted them and found out that a hospice was infact an organization that helps people with terminal illness. That was the first time I heard the term. Without giving it a second thought, I jumped at the idea and was happy to help.

I had to go through a lot of training sessions to prepare me. Initially, I wasn't completely aware of what I was putting myself through. But, it was a noble cause... that all what mattered. I knew it wasn't going to be easy... but I was determined to consider it as a challenge and move forward with it. And so I did...

The realization...

It's been a while that I wanted to do something worthwhile whit my life... to help someone in need... provide support, in any form, without expecting any returns....

The realization came long time back when I started volunteering at a nearby Blind School. I had to take out only 1-2 hours every week and help read a book to one of the blind students there. She was preparing for her college exams. I would read the books to her, one by one, and she would record it on her tape recorder to listen to it later. I was amazed by her zest for life and the unbelievable speed with which she would understand difficult concepts.

The impact, even though small, that I had on her education made me realize how valuable I can be to someone who is in dire need, without even trying real hard. I was not expecting anything in return from her. I have been blessed with good family, good education and a great life. I felt that this could be my way to give back.