Getting back to dance

I, like many others, have always had a secret dream to be a professional dancer. My guilty pleasures are watching 'So You Think You Can Dance' or youtubing (I nominate this to be a valid word in the dictionary) hours and hours of dance performances on songs I like. When I hear a song, I always... always imagine how I would dance to it. Is that normal?

For the past 3 years, I've been diligent about learning an Indian Classical Dance called Kathak. Dances that help you express through your body and allow a dancer to add his/her own personality have always fascinated me. Though I don't know much about them, but lyrical and contemporary dance forms are a delight to watch and learn form. I find the same fascination of endless possibilities of expression in Kathak. There are strict rules and forms you should stick to, but there is also room for each dancer to add their own characteristic flavour. You don't have to be pretty to make the dance look beautiful. Your personality, style and elegance make that dance piece memorable.
My Kathak classes happen every Sunday evening. It's become such a routine that my Sunday activities are all planned around the class. Missing the dance class in not option, else I am a grumpy kid for the rest of the week!

Hello world, :)

Just the way the first code written said "Hello world.", I say hello to the world with this new blog that I finally started after putting it off for several years.
If you really want to do something, you'll find a way to do it... or you'll find a hundred ways not to do it.
The push before the plunge
We all need a push to take that plunge into anything new. My final 'push' came today when I felt a state of uncharacteristic restlessness, something that I've been feeling for several months now. I was able to visualize and compare this state of mind to brownian motion. Ergo, the name of the blog!

The Dark Knight Rises

For lack of any other better intellectual reference, I will use the title of this Christopher Nolan movie I saw today, as my post title to reflect the resurrection of my blogging habits. Hopefully, this new interest will continue and become a routine activity in my already packed day.

I saw the third Batman movie today at the IMAX theatre. Though my neck still hurts because of the strain due to sitting at front row, I am not too bothered since I am still well immersed with the after effects of the sheer brilliance of the movie. I liked it for three strong reasons:
1. Its not about magical powers. Its about a man with a noble intention, strong team and some luck. People love Superman, Spiderman, etc. I have always liked movies that are closer to reality.
2. Its about the triumph of good over evil. No matter how beaten down the 'good' gets. With sheer determination and persistence, it will triumph over evil.
3. It shows the power of team work for the good. In this era of selfishness, we all are guilty of committing mistakes and bending the rules for our own personal good. When others do it, we are also the first to criticize and complain how bad the world and its people have become. If we all resolve to do good deeds, I wonder how different the world will be.

March 31, 2010

I had a long, long day at work. My recent project assignment had more political issues than I anticipated. Though, I was happy to take on additional responsibilities in my current position, I was also apprehensive and careful so as not to burn any bridges while I am at it.
Wednesday just didn’t seem to end. I was mentally exhausted. At one point I thought I'll give the volunteer visit a pass because I just wanted to go home, hide under my blanket and relax. But, then I realized that this is one of the few times of the week when I just unwind. I don't have to watch my words or worry about being politically correct or make sure that I maintain a good relation.
I tried to go early this time so I could catch my patients while they are having dinner. I saw Ms. Lovely Smile sitting on a table. As I approached her, she seemed to be confused to who I am. I didn’t get the customary smile from her. It appeared as if she was thinking about something. When she saw me, she acknowledged my presence and started mumbling about something. It seemed as if she was speaking out whatever she was thinking in her mind. It was more like a one-sided conversation where she was narrating some incidents and I was merely nodding to show acknowledgement. I offered to feed her the dinner. There was chicken, rice, carrots and beans. She did make a few comments about the food. All I remember is that she said that she likes the greens and kept pointing to the beans. All the time I was helping her eat the dinner, she was talking continuously. I zoned out and I was mechanically performing the task of feeding her while observing her expressions and body language very closely. At one point, she started to fold-in in my T shirt under my sweater around the wrist area so that it does not look shabby. I was moved by that gesture. She suddenly took the role of a ‘grandmother’. It felt like I’ve known her for quite a while now. Occasionally, I would try to understand what she was talking about. She mentioned that she was born around the time of the Great Depression. The Easter decorations on the surrounding tables reminder her of the Christmas/Holiday shopping and she started recounting some of the experiences. Since her speech was muffled, I had a really hard time understanding her. But, she was looking so adorable with her eyes so expressive. At one point she kept staring at me, and commented that my eyes look beautiful. The compliment seemed so genuine that it touched my heart. All this time, I was looking at her and admiring how wonderful a person she must have been and she still is. And how lucky are the people around her to have her. So loving and so caring.

After spending a considerable amount of time with Ms. Lovely Smile, I proceeded (with a lot of apprehension) to the other new patient, who was hostile to me last time. She was already done with her dinner and sitting in the living room watching TV. She saw me walking towards her and she extended her hand to reach out to me. I got a huge smile and it seemed like she recognized me. She appears to be more responsive and alert of surroundings than the other patients that I have been assigned till now. Our interaction was rather interesting this time. She was the one doing the most talking. She kept asking where I got my glasses from. At one point, she also asked where I got my eyebrows from. So on and so forth. She asked me to take her out anywhere, she just wanted to go out of that place or go for a drive. It just broke my heart that I couldn’t do anything about it. It seems like she is aware that she is in a hospice but she probably hasn’t come to terms with it and still wants to get out of it. I had to dodge her question a little bit, but I was happy that at least we got off to a good start.

March 24, 2010

I was in a hurry today to reach the hospice because I had to be at home before 6 pm. I wasn't able to reach early enough. My mind was scattered.
I entered the hospice and that familiar smell filled up my nose. I was looking around for Ms. Lovely Smile and was happy to see that she had dessert left to finish. I like to feed her while we talk because it seems like she is more conversational during that time. The moment I approached her, she just started talking. I had to stop her in between to get a chair so I can sit next to her. She just kept talking and talking and talking. She just wouldn't stop. The only time she would stop speaking would be the time I had to feed her the dessert.
Her speech was a bit muffled, so I had difficulty understanding what she was saying. All I remember is that she was talking about some twins and how they look the same. She also started talking about doing the same things, same way, same time every day. But it all seemed to be disconnected and incomprehensible. She started to talking to me as if I am a relative/family friend, occasionally referring to my mother. Of course, there were the occasional smiles in between.
It was a happy change to see in her. The past few visits had been very quiet. The ultimate shocker to me was the wink she gave me as I was leaving. There was a sort of mischievousness in her eyes, like that in a kid. It was a refreshing change to see in her!!!
I had to visit a new patient today. I observed her for a while before approaching her. Her body language seemed to be very negative. It seemed like she was worried/anxious about something. There was a sort of tension surrounding the air. I went up to her and introduced myself. I tried to engage in a conversation, but did not receive any response. She kept giving me mean stares and at one point even tried to push me away. I decided not to impose myself and let her be. Hopefully, by the next visit, she will allow me to be a little more friendly.

March 17, 2010

Writing after a long time. Feeling a little rusty, so bear with it!
It was very difficult in the past few weeks to take out time for the hospice work. The timing was just not matching.
After Mr. Polite passed away, there were very few people I had to go and spend time. Some days, I would just sit and chat with Ms. Lovely Smile. Others were not as responsive to conversations. Last week, I was introduced to another hospice patient. I call her Ms. Talkative. She loves to talk. She is not as unaware of her surroundings as other patients. But, she is absolutely adorable. You can just sit and listen to her and not help get amused!
The first 2 meetings were rather interesting. She taught me how to drink Cranberry Juice from a glass, how to eat a sandwich, how to fold a napkin and more. When we asked her about one of her ‘younger’ guy friend, oh! she was just filled with praises and excitement. It seemed like I was talking to a boy-crazy teenager (in all due respect). The common theme underneath all these conversations was the zest for life! You hear all about it but I got to see it live! She must have been a fun loving, lively, cheerful, chatty lady with a streak of mischievousness in her. I admire how she has still retained all those qualities despite the pain of old age. She does complain a lot, but don’t we all!
After meeting Ms. Talkative, I went to meet Ms. Lovely Smile. I arrived late this time so she had already finished her dinner. Whenever I have met her, it has always been over dinner. This time she seemed a little tired. She was not initiating conversations (like last few times), she was not responding to most of my conversation. She just seemed really tired. It was a little disappointing to see her like that.

That spot was empty....

This was bound to happen one day, I knew it. But, I didn't know it will happen so soon. Mr. Polite passed away early this week. The hospice coordinator called me early this week to share the news. At that time, the news did not sink in. Besides, I was occupied with a lot of work to actually think about it. That evening when I was driving back home, his images kept flashing in front of my eyes. He was so polite, so courteous. He was a charmer, even at this age. Even though we did not spend a lot of time together, but I did get to know him a little bit. Its sad that he had to leave, but I'm sure he is in a better place. God bless his soul.

I made my usual visit to the hospice. I was bummed out after hearing Mr. Polite's news, so I was not in the best of my moods. My spirits were low. My routine would be to say Hi to Mr. Polite first, sit and chat with him before meeting others. He used to have a specific place where he would have dinner every night. But, this time, there was no one there. That spot was empty. I moved on.

I was looking Miss Lovely Smile. I was told that she was in her room. Like last time, I decided to go see her in her room. She was sitting on her wheelchair with her back towards the door. I went up to say Hi to her, but the response was not as enthusiastic as last time. She was going to start eating her dinner so I offered to serve. She seemed to be very tired. I was trying to talk to her, but she would give me a blank look. Sometimes she would give a huge smile, other times she would get lost in her thoughts. She seemed to be confused. It could be the effect of the medications. So, after every few minutes, I would try to strike a conversation with her, but all futile.
My expectations from her had risen after the positive responses from her the last few times. Even if her behavior was normal this time, it was a let down for me because I'm used to seeing a cheerful lady with a smile on her face. Nevertheless, I stayed with her for some time trying to keep up a conversation. When I left, I wasn't very happy with the day.
I got back home and got a chance to ponder over stuff. I recalled that all this while I knew the patients are in their final years/months/weeks of their lives. Death is a natural phenomenon. We can't fight it and we have no option other than to accept it and move on. The least I can do it make these last few moments enjoyable.

A lesson to learn here is that all of us will die, some sooner than later. What is important is to live each day. Do something good every day/week/month/year that makes your life worth living. Its karma. Be open in your views. Learn from people around you, learn from their experiences, learn from failure and from success. When your time comes, you will look back and wonder if you did what you wanted to do. At that time, you want to answer a big 'YES'.